At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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