Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
