Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
