Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
