I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
