How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
