Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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