i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
