my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
