i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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