Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
