someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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