good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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