Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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