i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
