xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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