So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
