And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
