I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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