hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
