Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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