I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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