I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
