someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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