and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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