dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I will be naked everywhere
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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