just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
