need another drink. this is the easiest way
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
