it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
