walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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