The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
