Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
