i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
