I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
im six kinds of drunk right now
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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