Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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