finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
