I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
