i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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