you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
