well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
