respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
