farters have to be the big spoon...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
