you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
