i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
this boner is exhausting
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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