Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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