also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
