Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
