There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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