Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
