She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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