Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
