I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
