Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
