I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
