the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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