New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
