Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
