At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
